he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
