the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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