apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
