If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
