Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
