textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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