then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
