No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
