she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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