You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
