he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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