I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
