david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
