and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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