I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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