I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
