OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
