$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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