He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize