I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
