If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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