No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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