i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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