I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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