Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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