I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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