Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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