Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
