I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
