Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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