I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Can vaginas get frostbite?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
