I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize