OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
