I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize