Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize