so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
