I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the day after is always just damage control
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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