just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
