Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
