can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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