Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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