I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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