Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
