I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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