we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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