A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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