So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
