I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
