No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
