she looked like the bat from fern gully.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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