i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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