dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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