Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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