I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
