My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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