i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
