Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pants are for mortals
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
